March 5, 2017 | 1:45:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
This might be a post that I would delete afterwards, I don’t know. This is just a quick rant. I’m at my breakdown.
I become bitter lately. I grow bitter and cold day by day. I don’t like the inner me that is screaming, “Why am I like this” when at the same time I could do nothing. This might sound stupid but it all started when I was completely ignored by a group of people in my campus. It sounds like I am being weak. But it’s not as easy when you have to face it almost everyday. You’re in the same place as them so the chances of meeting them are very high.
The worst thing is I don’t know the reason why am I ignored. At least if I know, I could’ve comprehended their treatment, I could’ve talked to them or apologised. It hurts so much when you don’t even deserve an explanation and everything just suddenly happened. I haven’t been given time to get ready for this.
I tried almost everything that I could. I figured out all possibilities. I mean we are not children anymore. This whole thing for me is childish. So I tried my best to act neutral, avoiding any chances for things to get awkward but it’s still the same.
The first time I was ignored, I thought it might be that just one time. Maybe that person was having a problem, or got stressed..etc. So I acted like usual, smiled every time we meet. But still, I didn’t exist. And then I tried again. I thought it might be just with that person. So I acted as usual around everyone in the same group. It’s still, the same. So I thought, let them be. It bugged me on the inside at first but I just brushed it off. I noticed the difference and I didn’t want to act childish. They might have problems at the moment, and things would be fine later.
If they are a group of people I am close to or if I am one of their group, I would get it. Sometimes when you’re close with people, conflicts do happen and they might be in need of space or time. The problem with this issue is that they are a group of people I really respect, because they are older. Not really a group of people I spend most of my time with. So, it’s the last thing I would expect to get. Instead, I expect maturity.
Worst thing happened during that one time I walked with my friend in cafeteria, one of them was there. She was one of them that I am (was) most close with compared to other people in that group. The person waved at my friend happily, and talked very brightly while I was there sitting opposite to her. I didn’t mind, it’s not for the fact that she was talking with my friend. I was just disappointed because at that time I really thought “Okay this might be the chance for things to get better so I’ll just play along”. I tried my best to react and join in the conversation she was having with my friend. But she didn’t even looked at me after I tried so m any times. It’s like I wasn’t there. All this time I was calculating all possibilities whether it was only me who felt that way, maybe it was me who just overthinking things. However at that moment I got my answer. I’ve never felt more insulted. So I walked away giving excuses I needed to go somewhere else.
I have a lot of respect on that person before, but now I don’t know anymore. I might sound overly emotional over small thing, but it’s not really for the fact she ignored me. It’s because of the worthlessness I felt deep inside. I struggled so hard to act neutral after all the treatment I received. I faked a laugh, I asked questions just to have some interactions with her and I was treated like I didn’t exist in front of everyone else. The thing that made me sad the most was when a part of me told me to give up, it’s no use. I am not a person who would cry easily but at that time I lose it. That was the point where I grow bitter each day, without realising. I don’t mind if I know what’s the real problem or reasons. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this so it hit me greatly.
It didn’t help when the next morning I walked with another friend and we met. And again, she waved so happily to my friend. All I did was staring at her face to see her reaction or whether she would even look at me. I swear if she was gonna act as usual I would accept and forget everything. But I could see she was trying so hard not to look at me. So I walked away, again. The difference this time, I was filled with rage. That was the part when it’s becoming worrying. I don’t like it when I am filled with anger. After having a breakdown on the previous day, I thought it’s not worth it to let myself feel that way just because of certain people. After that, I thought to myself. I was the one who let myself get so affected. They couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t let myself to get hurt. It’s like I am trying to protect myself from feeling sad again by replacing the sadness with anger, without me realising it.
One thing about this matter is that , it’s not something I think about 24/7, seriously. It affects me a lot because one day I am having my normal day with good mood and suddenly things are radiating black aura when I happen to meet one of them in campus. Basically it’s ruining my mood. And as time progresses, when you experience this kind of thing so frequently, you become somewhat numb. You get annoyed. And then without you realising it, you’re turning into a bitter person.
It’s the next thing I noticed about me. I become bitter. I get annoyed so easily even when people around me make small mistakes. I get irritated quite frequently when people do annoying things. See, it could’ve been not really annoying but the fact I’m putting ‘annoying’ as the adjective shows that I find it annoying. I become less interested in everything. I somehow find everything would be of no use. It might’ve been the self-defense mechanism that is activated due to what has happened. Maybe my body does not want me to experience same breakdown again so I was put in a defensive mode. However I do not like this.
Before I end my post, if anyone is reading this (which I hope not because it’s embarrassing and even if you do I hope you are someone I don’t know or else it would have been more embarrassing) , never give people silent treatment. You don’t know what kind of damage you could have cause. Silent treatment is very dangerous because it’s the nature of silence that demands to be filled. There is no limitations on what kinds of thought it would be filled with. It can be interpreted in many ways, things you might not have imagined. If you have issue, tell the person. If you want your own space and time, tell the person. Don’t just shut off people so easily when you want to. It's not the treatment that matters the most. It's the difference in it. I wouldn't have been this affected if from the beginning it's like this. And I'm not expecting any special treatment. I need explanation.
I am not the right person to say this as I might be doing the same thing due to what has happened. I realised that I pushed people away lately. I am deeply sorry.
I hope I would heal.
Lemon & Herbs
September 23, 2016 | 6:24:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
Have you ever felt so mad because one day you went to store and you wanted to buy dipping sauce and then you see this extravagant packaging dipping sauce that says "Lemon & Herbs" and it sounded so elegant which made you thought to yourself, "Wow this might worth a try"
It sounds very sophisticated you know (at least to me). "LEMON AND HERBS" -- with indulging acidic adventure of fresh lemon,perfected by hint of various aromatic herbs that bring out the natural flavour of your FEWWWWWWD.
And after that amount of excitement and high expectations, guess what. I tried the sauce and it was very............ um, how should I say it , it's very "LEMONY AND HERBY" . Lemony in a sense that I'm gonna burn your tongue with this acidic adventure .... of nightmare and endless mental sufferings perfected by a great deal of herbs that will leave your tongue and heart NUMB.
After all, no one is to be blamed. The packaging says "LEMON & HERBS" and it gave me real taste of "LEMON & HERBS".
September 13, 2016 | 4:34:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I always have a soft spot for mystery things. Things that are concealed, kept as hidden. They intrigue my interest. I like things that are unusual, or sometimes might be seen as troubled, odd, or things that are underappreciated . I love things that are not too direct. Things that have somewhat like an imaginary wall around them where you have to put a little thinking or feeling to actually comprehend it. I do not fancy things that are too mainstream or in trend although they are undoubtedly good. I am not against them, it's just not my preference and I don't have issues on people who are into them.
By the way this is not an emo post of "You know my name not my story" "You don't know my life" "Welcome to my misery" "You can't see tears behind my fake smile" and stuff
lol What I simply mean is that, this is not an emotional rant to show how I love hidden things because I want people to discover the exceptionally beautiful soul within me behind that fake smile under the rain or whatsoever because that is so 2009 and very corny , seriously xD On an unrelated note,yes I have a beautiful soul, HAHAHA thanks.
You know one of those nights where you are on your bed, you just cannot sleep and suddenly all information in this universe runs through your mind
where it is the best time to regret all decisions you have made in life HAHA. Well it happened to me recently, and I finally realised that almost every actions, decisions, choices I made boils down to this one fact -- I love things that are hidden.
I did not quite really notice it before. I mean, I realise my preference is always contrasting from people. And that is not because I intentionally want to be different to show how superior I am as an individual. It just occurs naturally. And it's not something to be proud of either. I listen to songs that people don't really listen to, my clothes are all VERY outdated, I would not hesitate to try weird food (most of the time I usually end up liking them tho some do not taste nice). I always thought my preference is different because I'm just weird.
People who are close with me would know how weird my taste is. My mom would always make this "I knew it" face every time we would have meals outside because I would order food I never tried. The harder it is to pronounce it, the more I want to try it. And I always get that "Pelek pelek sokmo, tahu doh" xD. My friend, Ipy (oh ipy if you're reading this, HAI ! xD) warned me not to pick the weird soup base (chinese ginseng something if I'm not mistaken) when we were about to eat at Seoul Garden because she just knows me so well. Ohhhh ohh ohhh and that one time in uni, it was exam week so naturally people would buy from vending machine. People would usually opt for coffee or Milo but I tried every single type of beverages available and seriously they tasted weird (you can't expect a nice cup of juice for 90cents). So when I was at the vending machine once with my friend, she said something like " Haaa dah tak payah pilih yang pelik, membazir duit tak sedap". I lol'd harder that I should because I did not expect she would notice it xD
When it comes to clothes, I generally like t-shirts. For me, they fit almost every occasions if picked wisely (which is rarely done by me because I wear the same thing everyday lol) . So back in secondary school, I was in a satisfactorily religious environment, so when it comes to t-shirt, we have this innovation (lol) called T-shirt Muslimah, (basically a normal t-shirt, but longer to bring out the Muslimah image (?) ). I don't know if that's the correct definition, it's just a normal t-shirt but longer to cover yourself better. Back then I was an avid fan of those T-shirt Muslimah lol xD But without realising why and how, I grew up not liking them as much as I did before. I did not notice it until my mom pointed it out for me. Then I realised, I do not like them now. Not in a way of "I HATE YOU AND I WILL NEVER WEAR YOU FOREVER". I don't know. I just don't really fancy the direct theme brought by it anymore. What I mean is, I don't like the idea of "because you are a muslimah, you have to wear muslimah shirt". Usually those T-shirts have "Iman adalah penyeri" "Aku adalah pejuang" "Kesabaran adalah permata..etc" kind of printing on them, which is undeniably good message to be conveyed, but I just don't fancy it anymore, not that I'm being a rebel. I don't know whether not liking it anymore is a good or bad thing. Now I am more towards normal or plain T-shirts, without obvious printing, but still long, big and comfy enough to cover myself. After it was pointed out by my mom then only I realised, as I grow older I like things that are hidden even when it comes to clothes. In this case it's the " you don't necessarily have to wear muslimah t-shirts to become or appear as one". But of course any of these does not mean I am against people who wear it, it's a personal preference so it should not be a problem.
These are like few insignificant examples on how I came into conclusion that I actually love things that are hidden. It would be a lengthy boring post if I were to list each and every details about it. Up until this moment, I still don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. Probably it's driven by my current environment, personality or characters. It could change any time. And the reason I'm posting this is because I think it is something worth to be remembered. Who knows I might change again one day, and if so, this is one of my self discovery that I would like to reminisce --- I have a thing on mystery thing, and the reason why I love them,up until now, is still also a mystery.
| 4:34:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
I believe everyone, at one point of his/her life has encountered various miracles. Miracle is generally extraordinary event, or, according to google defined as an amazing product or achievement -- an outstanding example of something. As for me, one of my miracles is when I feel the need to update my blog
lelz, which is obviously not a very common occurrence due to excessive amount of laziness covered up by ten thousand excuses.
I mean it's not entirely my fault. My connection is always slow, sometimes I'm busy, I have three cats to feed, few tiring social obligations and et cetera. So it's not entirely my fault ,by right.
By the way as the title goes, this is my usual whining filler post about how productive I am at not updating my blog. I have already four to five drafts to publish but sadly they are inside my mind instead of in blogger drafts. I owe myself
and my non existent readers few posts ; my birthday appreciation post which was on June but now it's already mid September for God's sake, my 2016 summer break (which is almost over) and few other random thoughts, mostly rants of insignificant complaints.
Here is one thing
May 25, 2016 | 6:44:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
Here's one thing I am going to tell directly. I won't use a subtle approach nor metaphor . This time it will be straightforward.
Do not ever question people's personal preferences or things that they can't change.
It's that simple. Just because one's preference is different than yours, that does not make it wrong. A person is not obliged to provide you with explanation on why a different choice is made just because it's not the same as yours.
Whether that one day you see an adult wears a ridiculous big pinky polka dot glittery bow on her hair, whether on that day you see a girl wears a yellow neon shirt with "HEYHEYHEY" printed on it, whether that one day a boy wears a rag, or whether on that one day a person eats raw chicken in front of you. It's okay.
Just because something is perceived as abnormal according to your opinion, which happens that you have your own established entire solar system that revolves only around your very superior opinions, that does mean it's wrong. Things that you perceive as beautiful might look ridiculous for other people too. It's just everyone's way of interpreting things. It's very simple. Do not question people's personal preference. As long as it does not go against any religion teachings/belief or does not cause any harm to people around, do not question. Full stop.
Because that girl might spend her whole morning in front of the mirror contemplating whether she should go out wearing that yellow neon shirt. You don't listen to all of her silent doubts for the whole day. "Will I look okay in this?" "Do I look weird?" "Will people laugh at me?" "Are they staring at me?". And when she finally believes that she looks okay since she likes the shirt, simple thing like "Eh why do you wear that shirt" would totally ruin her day. She might laugh, or say things like "Oh yea I look very weird in this shirt aren't I Hahaha" just to assure the other person she is not offended and cool with it. At the end of the day, she'll regret her decision and will never wear it again. The sad thing is, she used to like the shirt. But now she's not since now she is convinced that she should not like it.
Or that one day when you see a person is eating a chocolate-flavoured ice cream in which the case that you are one of those humans who were born with natural hatred for chocolate, there is no need to say things like "Is that chocolate ice cream? Ewww I don't like chocolate it feels very chocolateyy like ughh what the heck I don't get people who like chocolate , they are as disgusting as how chocolate tastes". And yes of course that is highly exaggerated but you know what I mean. It's okay to express your opinion but there's always limit. Don't make people who love chocolate feel as if their love for chocolate is sinful just because you aren't blessed with the same type of love. No one is forcing you to be a fan of chocolates too anyway. Just accept and embrace the differences. You don't like chocolates, that person likes chocolate. There it is. Done. No further discussions.
I've been in that situation. Oh well I think everyone would experience this at least once in their life. I'm not preaching people to care about people's opinion seriously so much. It's just that sometimes humans are just vulnerable, even if we try so much not to think about it, at some point of your life, you will.
It's not that I'm not willing to listen to other people's opinions, it's not that my mind is so narrow to the point that I should change my name to Alya Narrow because if so, Captain Jack Sparrow would think I'm his long-lost relatives because our names would rhyme and I know this is very lame so please feel obliged to not laugh. The wrong thing is not on having opinions, it's about how you convey them. Opinions are meant to be heard, but never always agreed upon. So, chill. It's like kneading pasta for your dinner, you need to have correct skills or you will end up having a rubber-like dinner. But of course no one would knead their own pasta these days. Just buy the ready made one lah.
Oh by the way that chocolate metaphor up there sounds very intense like what the heck Alya staaahp using food to describe everything xD
April 3, 2016 | 2:47:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
Of course here I am making sure my blog is well fed with consistent updates because I am such a responsible living soul who is obliged to make sure my non-existent readers would not be disappointed every time they are here.
And of course that is completely a lie because I am a big FAT liar and yes I am putting an emphasis on the word fat because I am fat lol.
The reason I am updating this blog is because I have a lot of work and assignments need to be done but here I am doing what I do best.
Exactly, I AM PROCRASTINATING.
I would reorganise all my toiletries, count how many multicolour pens I own throughout my entire life,
fart uncontrollably, browsing through mall directories site to see their Food&Beverage sections, staring at the wall like a psycho and many other irrelevant things an abnormal human could have thought of.
I know I will regret the time I spent on obtaining information of how many multicolour pens I possess on the day I need to submit my assignment -__- Nonetheless, I would say I am just too productive at doing unnecessary things and of course that is just how to put it in a positive way to reduce this accumulating guilt.
Ok I am done updating my blog. I
might should do my assignments. NOW. And now means NOW and not after I count my exes other insignificant stuff.
Torn by time.
January 30, 2016 | 3:32:00 PM | 0 vanilla(s)
It is kind of scary when things changed.
I guess the saying is true.
You won't know a true value of something, until it's gone.
Know that once you lost something, it will never return.
No matter how much effort you put in,
What you will only find is yourself, still tangled up.