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A loner.
March 2, 2013 | 12:35:00 AM | 0 vanilla(s)



I used to be afraid that I would grow up to be one of those lonely and creepy girl because I'm lack of communication skills. I mean, the kind of girl who lives by herself in a tiny place and being alone all the time. It took me a long time to realize that loneliness does not necessarily strike a person when they’re alone. It can strike them in a room full of people. And then I realized that perhaps it's not as bad as I thought it would be.
I always been billed as the shy girl in class, the kind who should “raise her hand more” or who “needs to participate to a greater extent in class discussions.” Or at least that’s who I used to be. Moreover recently, people around told me that I'm being quiet for most of the time. Few of them told me I've changed. But to be very honest I don't think I was talkative before too. I become talkative only when I'm with people I used to be with. So I was a bit shocked when they told me I've changed. But I think those demands are sometimes ridiculous, to be honest. If you are considered shy, you’re probably not shy. You’re an observer. You see things and you notice them, then you hold them inside you. And like that you keep them alive. 
Sometimes when I introduce myself to another person at school, I pretend not to know their name, when really I’ve known it already for a few years. Like seriously. I don’t want to be misconstrued as creepy, but I can’t help it. A name is just a detail, and details are something I’m literally good at. Probably.
Some people can’t remember what they drank for breakfast that very day, or even what color of shirt they were wearing the day before. But I do. I love remembering single details about myself or people around me. Even the slightest counts. I drank a mild nescafe this morning and I wore a blue shirt yesterday. Being an observer is sometimes much better than being a participator, because it allows you to stand away from the action and begin to understand it. Observation is a kind of science in and of itself, almost somewhat an art. It’s a way of life. I study human beings and I like to get inside their heads and figure out what they’re thinking, but more importantly, why they think the way they do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean I’m shy. I just love to understand people more deeply than the so-called “normal individual.” I think so.
I love knowing what peoples’ “stories” are, where they came from, how they grew up, what happened to them, etc. Sometimes I stare at people but the staring part bothers me-because some people can feel that stare and some people notice the staring. It makes me uncomfortable and awkward. I don’t like being looked at, even for a few brief seconds. Whenever someone makes eye contact with me for an unnecessarily long period of time, I turn away.
Yet I love to look at other people. But only when they’re not looking back. Lol.
I'm also not good with face expressions. My face would look more or less the same when I'm happy, when I'm sad or angry so people rarely knew what I'm feeling. And I take that as an advantage for me. At least they wouldn't know what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about. To be honest, I don't want them to know.
Strangers sometimes fascinate me. I could dissect them all day, put them under a microscope and study them for hours. Lol (-_-) Each and every people has their own history, some are complicated than others’, some are 50 pages long while others’ are 8429729. Okay, that probably goes a little overboard (-_-) For me, the life history of a single individual is interesting. It's because Allah's plans for each people is really beautiful. Human beings are fascinating creatures because they live inside their own heads. They make their home there, sometimes without even realizing it. The mind gets rusty and dirty sometimes, and it grows weak , tired and afraid. Sometimes, people break down.
I once read that “real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.” And that’s true. Because sometimes even when I’m surrounded by crowds of people, I can still feel as alone as if I were sitting in the middle of a completely white room. No windows, no doors, no exit. No other person in there with me.
Observation really is a lonely art, just like photography. They both consist of capturing peoples’ souls and essences. So while I’ve gotten over my fear of ending up as a "loner", I’ve never quite been able to rid myself of the fear of being alone. It’s an innate feeling. I don’t think it ever goes away. But it’s made me who I am today, and for that, Alhamdulillah I am grateful. Because this is the beautiful plan that Allah has set up for me :)

Wallahua'lam


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Nur Alya Aqilah Binti Hassan A former student of SMKA Sheikh Abdul Malek, Kuala Terengganu. Perfectly imperfect. Abnormally obsessed with F O O D and was born on 28th of June 1996
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