October 1, 2014 | October 01, 2014 | 2 comment(s)
Some says being an introvert means being shy. Being shy to express or reveal their thoughts and feelings. Some says being introvert means you're not lonely, you just like to spend your time; alone. My psychology lecturer said that being introvert means you're not that kind of people who will say "hey let's hang out!" but instead you prefer to keep quiet , most of the time with your book.
I never knew the exact definition of introvert but there's something beautiful about it. People define it in many ways; and I find that the definition itself is beautiful. You could make one whole paragraph or a book (exaggerated) just to define the word.
I don't know if I am one hundred percent introvert but most of the time it is.
Being in university; I am now in a whole new world. A whole new world where no one knows me. A whole new world where the adaptation process is sometimes distressing (again, exaggerated)
Because I'm that kind of person who would think like hundred or thousand times before saying something. I'm that kind of person who can never keep an eye contact with a creature named human. I don't find it comfortable. It's like " Okay so now I should look at your eyes while we talk. But if I look at them so much you would think I'm pretty creepy isn't it? So how long should I keep this eye contact?! And after that, what?!"
And I'm also that kind of person who will never talk first if I sit beside a stranger because I'll be too busy mentally picturing the conversation on how I should approach first and what should I ask after that and the thoughts goes on...and finally the conversation never happened.
And if someone approach me first I'm going to be so excited like "Please tell me what did I do to receive such kindness from you " I know this sounds like an overstatement but that's how it is lol. That's why having a good conversation with a stranger (which is sometimes nothing to everyone) feels like I've accomplished something big in my life.
Because for me, talking to someone I don't know requires giving out all the force that I have. It requires me to give it all out just to utter a few words. And that's why sometimes it's tiring like if I have spent most of time in a day with people I'll feel like, "I have reached the maximum amount of time with people today now let's reward myself with being alone back"
I do once in a while feel pathetic about myself. It feels like "Why is it so hard for you to talk to people. Stop being so pathetic and just talk" which sometimes ignites a strong desire inside. The desire to hate myself. And that's when I'll miss my parents, family, all of my friends and everyone back home. Because with them, there's no urge to be so awkward. There's no need to be so self-conscious. There's no time to think about how long should I keep the eye contact because I'll be too busy laughing until my cheeks hurt. Everything feels so natural.
But whatever it is, I'm grateful for who I am. Despite all the miserable social skills I possess, I learn a lot from it. I learn how to appreciate people more and in fact, I learn to appreciate myself more because being alone taught me about who is the best listener. Which is no one--- but Allah. I learn not to get too attached to people.
I'm not going to change the fact that I am an introvert but I hope to improve myself. I hope not to be so awkward (which I doubt will happen but I'll try step by step) in future as the time goes by.
Maybe I should update my blog more. It feels good to write back.