March 5, 2017 | 1:45:00 PM | 0 comment(s)
This might be a post that I would delete afterwards, I don’t know. This is just a quick rant. I’m at my breakdown.
I become bitter lately. I grow bitter and cold day by day. I don’t like the inner me that is screaming, “Why am I like this” when at the same time I could do nothing. This might sound stupid but it all started when I was completely ignored by a group of people in my campus. It sounds like I am being weak. But it’s not as easy when you have to face it almost everyday. You’re in the same place as them so the chances of meeting them are very high.
The worst thing is I don’t know the reason why am I ignored. At least if I know, I could’ve comprehended their treatment, I could’ve talked to them or apologised. It hurts so much when you don’t even deserve an explanation and everything just suddenly happened. I haven’t been given time to get ready for this.
I tried almost everything that I could. I figured out all possibilities. I mean we are not children anymore. This whole thing for me is childish. So I tried my best to act neutral, avoiding any chances for things to get awkward but it’s still the same.
The first time I was ignored, I thought it might be that just one time. Maybe that person was having a problem, or got stressed..etc. So I acted like usual, smiled every time we meet. But still, I didn’t exist. And then I tried again. I thought it might be just with that person. So I acted as usual around everyone in the same group. It’s still, the same. So I thought, let them be. It bugged me on the inside at first but I just brushed it off. I noticed the difference and I didn’t want to act childish. They might have problems at the moment, and things would be fine later.
If they are a group of people I am close to or if I am one of their group, I would get it. Sometimes when you’re close with people, conflicts do happen and they might be in need of space or time. The problem with this issue is that they are a group of people I really respect, because they are older. Not really a group of people I spend most of my time with. So, it’s the last thing I would expect to get. Instead, I expect maturity.
Worst thing happened during that one time I walked with my friend in cafeteria, one of them was there. She was one of them that I am (was) most close with compared to other people in that group. The person waved at my friend happily, and talked very brightly while I was there sitting opposite to her. I didn’t mind, it’s not for the fact that she was talking with my friend. I was just disappointed because at that time I really thought “Okay this might be the chance for things to get better so I’ll just play along”. I tried my best to react and join in the conversation she was having with my friend. But she didn’t even look at me after I tried so m any times. It’s like I wasn’t there. All this time I was calculating all possibilities whether it was only me who felt that way, maybe it was me who just overthinking things. However at that moment I got my answer. I’ve never felt more insulted. So I walked away giving excuses I needed to go somewhere else.
I have a lot of respect on that person before, but now I don’t know anymore. I might sound overly emotional over small thing, but it’s not really for the fact she ignored me. It’s because of the worthlessness I felt deep inside. I struggled so hard to act neutral after all the treatment I received. I faked a laugh, I asked questions just to have some interactions with her and I was treated like I didn’t exist in front of everyone else. The thing that made me sad the most was when a part of me told me to give up, it’s no use. I am not a person who would cry easily but at that time I lose it. That was the point where I grow bitter each day, without realising. I don’t mind if I know what’s the real problem or reasons. I wasn’t mentally prepared for this so it hit me greatly.
It didn’t help when the next morning I walked with another friend and we met. And again, she waved so happily to my friend. All I did was staring at her face to see her reaction or whether she would even look at me. I swear if she was gonna act as usual I would accept and forget everything. But I could see she was trying so hard not to look at me. So I walked away, again. The difference this time, I was filled with rage. That was the part when it’s becoming worrying. I don’t like it when I am filled with anger. After having a breakdown on the previous day, I thought it’s not worth it to let myself feel that way just because of certain people. After that, I thought to myself. I was the one who let myself get so affected. They couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t let myself to get hurt. It’s like I am trying to protect myself from feeling sad again by replacing the sadness with anger, without me realising it.
One thing about this matter is that , it’s not something I think about 24/7, seriously. It affects me a lot because one day I am having my normal day with good mood and suddenly things are radiating black aura when I happen to meet one of them in campus. Basically it’s ruining my mood. And as time progresses, when you experience this kind of thing so frequently, you become somewhat numb. You get annoyed. And then without you realising it, you’re turning into a bitter person.
It’s the next thing I noticed about me. I become bitter. I get annoyed so easily even when people around me make small mistakes. I get irritated quite frequently when people do annoying things. See, it could’ve been not really annoying but the fact I’m putting ‘annoying’ as the adjective shows that I find it annoying. I become less interested in everything. I somehow find everything would be of no use. It might’ve been the self-defense mechanism that is activated due to what has happened. Maybe my body does not want me to experience same breakdown again so I was put in a defensive mode. However I do not like this.
Before I end my post, if anyone is reading this (which I hope not because it’s embarrassing and even if you do I hope you are someone I don’t know or else it would have been more embarrassing) , never give people silent treatment. You don’t know what kind of damage you could have cause. Silent treatment is very dangerous because it’s the nature of silence that demands to be filled. There is no limitations on what kinds of thought it would be filled with. It can be interpreted in many ways, things you might not have imagined. If you have issue, tell the person. If you want your own space and time, tell the person. Don’t just shut off people so easily when you want to. It's not the treatment that matters the most. It's the difference in it. I wouldn't have been this affected if from the beginning it's like this. And I'm not expecting any special treatment. I need explanation.
I am not the right person to say this as I might be doing the same thing due to what has happened. I realised that I pushed people away lately. I am deeply sorry.
I hope I would heal.