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And then I realised
April 2, 2017 | April 02, 2017 | 0 comment(s)

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I read back my previous post. Of course I got that little cringe, like "WHY WAS I SO EMOTIONAL, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME".  I also said in my previous post that it is something that I would delete but I changed my mind. I won't. Deleting the post won't erase the fact that I got emotional. And I realised, writing helps. When you write about it, you become clear. All the broken, cluttered pieces, yes, they don't simply come back together. But at least you know; what does each piece mean, where do they belong. For me, that's a good first step. 

I said I grow bitter and bitter, each day. And then I realised, that's a punishment I set for myself. Because it comes from anger. I am too caught up in the feeling that I am wronged, I deserve explanation. But it destroys me from the inside. It makes you feel that you are the only victim. And I don't want to be in that state. I must heal. So I must forgive. I have to let go. 

It's difficult, because the cliche of forgiveness is always , "when you forgive, everything will be alright" . But it's not. The reality is, it becomes worse when you hold onto that belief that when you wake up the next morning it's all rainbows and butterflies. Sadly it's not. 

I would say forgiveness is not easy when you crave justice. The idea of just letting people to walk away after what they have done, after what you have encountered, it annoys you. And yes it still makes me sick, when I meet any of them. It's because we don't want to just let it go. Deep inside, we want them to feel the weight of what they have done. We want them to feel the same. The anger is still boiling, it's still there, even after you declare you already "forgiven" the person. So instead, you're saying to yourself that , if you forgive the person, you're a fool. You're letting them win. It's like a form of betrayal to your justice, and to yourself. I know that feeling, and that's what I thought too. Forgiving is never easy. One second you thought it's over, but when they do the same thing again and again every time, it turns back into anger and rage. 

I hold onto that anger because I always wanted justice. I thought , the angrier I am, the stronger I would be. I thought it's a way to be strong, a wall not to get hurt again. It would fix me. Therefore, I would pursue justice by being strong.

And then I realised, the justice that I yearned for is not always achievable. Holding onto this anger is like continuously hurting myself. It's with the thought of, only them, people who have wronged me could fix the wound. They should know, "I am bleeding and it's because of you". I remember this one saying I found on internet,

You keep bleeding because you're afraid, that once you heal, you would bleed again.

And for me that's true, we just don't acknowledge it. We are afraid of how we would turn out after the wound heals. Would we bleed again? Would it make us weak? Would we be a fool? Would we survive again? We're simply afraid, so we let it bleed. 

And then I realised. Before I forgive, I must learn to accept. I must fix my definition of forgiveness. It's not a magic that would instantly heal. But it is a way to seek peace. It's not forgiveness that would help you to feel at ease, but it's you, yourself. Yes you would lose it once or twice, but try again. Forgive, again. Just like how tired you are at trying, get yourself tired at feeling angry. 

And then I realised. When I keep forgiving, when I keep trying, it helps. I realised that my bigger priority is to restore my own peace, rather that pursuing unrealistic justice. Forgiving does not mean I validate or support all things which hurt me. I just need to accept that, yes I got hurt, they left me marks, but sooner or later I have to heal. The scar is mine, but it also a mark that I survived this emotional battle. I choose to forgive, I choose to heal my own wounds.

And then I realised, I begin to believe -- that tomorrow will be a better day. 

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