Saturday, 1:51am @ Mc Cafe in Germany
December 23, 2017 | December 23, 2017 | 0 comment(s)
I am writing this while I have no other options to retreat, when the only choice to feel better is to write. These cluttered thoughts are starting to turn into one big pile of mess. I am with the crowd, but only physically. Those voices, laughter, they are loud and fun. They are also welcoming and warm, yet they can't compete with the voice I'm having inside my head.
I wish I could grab the root of what's going on. I wish I could dissect my head, take out all these thoughts and start to solve them as if they were jigsaws. That's the worst part, I'm overwhelmed by what I can't really comprehend. It would have been a lot, lot bearable if I could figure out the reason(s). When I crave space, I unintentionally push people away. I wish I have this sign written on my head explaining why I have to do this because right now it's hard to even say a few words, let alone explaining why I need to be alone.
Right now I feel so blessed to have all these people. These past few days travelling together have been so memorable. They're all sitting beside me, playing cards at Mc Cafe since 12am. I really appreciate all the kind words, all concerns expressed, all jokes and humour to cheer me up, all reassuring smile, all invitations when it's time for next game, all spaces given yet sadly I can't even genuinely smile or properly say thank you. The happiness they're feeling right now, the good moments they're having right now, those delight screams at winning, those laughter at losing, that kind of happiness, I sincerely wish it would stay the same way for them.
I'm done blaming myself every time I feel the need to withdraw from the crowd. To indulge in self-guilt is no longer what I shall do. It is complicated and the guilt is still there, but somehow, I can't stop my demanding nature. I shall give myself space -- what it really demands. I'm withdrawing from the crowd, and it's okay.
I guess It's okay to feel overwhelmed eventhough I can't really understand why, and I, too, hope I would be okay tomorrow.