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A blessing & a curse
February 25, 2018 | February 25, 2018 | 0 comment(s)

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. Sure it is a blessing, to experience things intensely, to notice how today the sun shined just a little brighter than yesterday, making the room slightly warmer, to notice not only how the sweetness of sugar complemented the salted butter on my toast this morning, but also how the grainy texture made a great companion to the creamy spread. It's like having more reasons to smile.

Sure it is a blessing, to be able to notice how some people would slowly blink and look down after a good laugh, probably trying to mask the sadness within, to notice how some would look at particular people a little longer than usual, because those are the ones they truly care for. It's to notice how some should not have said the things they just did because I could see how bitter the smile given in response, to notice how the one with the loudest voice, is actually trying to hide the nervousness because at the end of the sentence, I could hear the shakiness of their voice. It's to notice all these things and glad that you have been blessed to witness all of these moments people are trying their best to hide.

Every so often, I want to laugh a little harder when the most quiet person makes a joke, I want to listen a bit more attentively to those who always listen to others, I want to appreciate those who always give, to congratulate a paid-off effort, to  respond to that one voice disregarded by the crowd or to pretend that I do not hear it too so the person would not feel embarrassed knowing that someone noticed them being ignored. Somehow, I want people to be okay and happy.  

The reason I said I feel everything so deeply is because I don't just notice things, I feel them. Those who always ask people whether they are okay, I wonder does anyone ever ask the same question to them. Those who need to clarify their actions, is it because they are once shunned by the world? These thoughts, sometimes I could get so drawn into it, that is, if two people are facing the same situation, I would not give the same advice. I would treat each problem separately since each person would react differently.

And because I feel everything deeply, often, my feeling is quite vivid. When I'm happy, it truly means I am. There's no in-between, no grey areas. 

Sure it is a blessing, to feel everything so deeply -- but it's made up of two sides, another side of which I often forgot. That it, too, can be a curse. That it too, can hurt just as deeply. 

Because I notice and feel too much, somehow I feel compelled to make sure that things are okay. But just like how everything has its own capacity, I, too, have a limited capacity of what I can feel at a time - comprised by my own needs and all the emotions I absorb from surroundings. 

It's so hard when both elements are contradicting each other - It's when your own need is contradicting the surrounding. That's why I'm bad at approaching my own conflicts, because I seek to understand multiple entities -- myself and the other party. The conflict usually lies on that line where I'm not willing to sacrifice my own need while attempting to understand the other person, I despise being a people-pleaser but I am a harmony seeker. While figuring out the best way to satisfy both people, this is where the curse strikes. I feel too much therefore I get overwhelmed and shut off. To put thoughts into words at that time would be impossible. Often my first resort is to do anything until the other person walk away, or for me to walk away myself. It's never my intention to be rude but because I crave for space so much at that time to unwind myself, my brain takes a shortcut. When I feel recollected then only I would reflect to solve the conflict. It's one thing I notice about myself, which I would like to improve but still find myself doing the same thing. While I'm trying my best, I somehow make things worse. I somehow, let down and hurt both parties. 

Knowing that I have a limited grab to fix everything , sometimes I  just brush things off and pretend I do not notice nor feel them. Often, when it seems like I don't care it's just because I'm trying my best to ignore it. Which is hard, because it also feels like you are contradicting yourself. It's like forcing yourself to feel less than you actually do. 

When you feel deeply too, it feels almost impossible to find compatible people who will understand you. I'm sure everyone feels like this, because no one could fully understand someone. But for me, the reason is because since I feel things very deeply, I don't know the best way to express it and even if I do, I don't know who would willing to genuinely listen without giving a remark that I'm just overreacting and is just being too emotional. And even if someone does listen, I would surely cut off at least 70% of what I really want to say and instead reassure them I would be okay, because it's now the matter of multiple entities again. While trying to express myself, my other concern would be not to burden this person who's already willing to listen. That's why I often keep things to myself.

It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. It is.  

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